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If Airlines Are Going to Kick Off Unruly Toddlers, Here Are 10 Other People Who Should Also Get the Boot

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If Airlines Are Going to Kick Off Unruly Toddlers, Here Are 10 Other People Who Should Also Get the Boot

Have you heard about the family that was kicked off a JetBlue flight because their tired two-year-old was upset she couldn’t sit on her mom’s lap…?  Yes, by the time they got her settled down and buckled in (time passed:  five minutes), the flight attendant informed them the pilot had made up his mind: The family had to leave the plane for violating Federal Aviation Administration rules.

You know you’re the parent of a toddler when you hear that story and think:  It only took them FIVE MINUTES to stop her tantrum?  Well-done!  Unlike, say, my dentist (I was in the middle of getting a cavity filled when I saw this story on the news), who looked up from his torture device and said, “They’re kicking kids off planes now?  …GOOD!”

He’s lucky I was indisposed.  Otherwise, I may have had no choice but to grab a drill.

Hey, I get that moody kids on planes are annoying.  Lordy, do I get it.  In fact, I’ve thrown a few exasperated eye-rolls in the direction of such kids, myself, and loathe flying now that I’m a parent; we are branded with a scarlet “K” for “kids” the very moment we step on the plane with our children, regardless of how they’re behaving.  I’m on pins and needles the entire time, so concerned am I that we will somehow upset our fellow passengers.  Oh, heaven forbid we disturb the delicate aura of our fellow passengers!   Heck, I even know desperate parents who try to curry favor with surrounding passengers by offering profuse apologies in advance and plying them with free drinks.

But you know what?

If parents are going to be ostracized for having disruptive kids (to those blog commenters condemning the parents for not “controlling” their two-year-old:  you have obviously never met an actual two-year-old because all you can do is try to minimize The Crazy), I submit that everyone who’s annoying and disruptive should be kicked off, too — or at least buy me a tiny bottle of terrible wine.

That’s right; I’m looking at YOU…

1.  Guy Who Holds Things Up by Knowingly Trying to Stuff an Over-sized Bag in the Overhead Bin

2.  Annoying Woman Who Over-Reclines

3.  Dude Sitting Next to Me Who is Seriously Invading My Personal Space — And The Aisle

4.  Man Who Ate a Bean Burrito Before the Flight

5.  TMI Lady Who Won’t Stop Talking to Me the ENTIRE Flight About Her Second Cousin’s Wedding, Even If I Close My Eyes and Pretend I’m Dead

6.  Flight Attendant Who Refuses to Move the Freakin’ Food Cart to Let Me Use the Bathroom

7.  Mr. Mouth Breather Sitting Behind Us Who Could Benefit from a Mint and a Nasal Strip

8.  Dude Who is Oddly Obsessed with Finding Snakes on the Plane

9.  Total Armrest Hog

And, of course…

10.  Man Who Keeps Guffawing at the In-Flight Movie:  Wild Hogs.  (That must violate some sort of Federal Aviation Administration rule, right?  Or at least a rule of semi-decent taste?)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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