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Important Lessons for Our Children, As Reinforced by Presidents

Pop Culture

Important Lessons for Our Children, As Reinforced by Presidents

Happy Presidents’ Day, my fellow Americans!  This is an important holiday, as you know, a holiday typically celebrated with no school and daycare, despite parents still having to work, and awesome sales on bed sheets at Macy’s.  To do my part in honoring this occasion, I have come up with a list of lessons and advice to impart to our children, as reinforced by Presidents of the U.S. over the centuries.

1. President George W. Bush:

Always chew your food well.

2. President Bill Clinton:

Be sure to clean up your messes!

3.  President Abraham Lincoln:

Sitting too close to the TV or stage can be hazardous to your health.

4.  President Richard Nixon

Never tell a lie.

5.  President Ronald Reagan

If you make a funny face, it will get stuck that way.

6.  President George Washington

Don’t forget to brush and floss regularly.

7.  President William Taft

Don’t eat too many sweets.

8.  President Barack Obama

Always wear a helmet when riding your bike!  You won’t look like a dork — well, yes, you will, but wear one anyway.


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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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