Welcome to another installment of The Laughing Stork’s Toddlers & Tiaras recaps! This week we’re joining contestants on their journey to the Lollipops & Gumdrops Pageant in Texas, where the pageant director helps us, um, get a taste of what’s to come:
“Move over, Pixy Stix,” the director purrs. “Glitz never tasted so good.”
I don’t even want to KNOW how long she worked on coming up with that line.
Mackenzie, 6, from Montgomery, Louisiana
The scoop: You just might remember Mackenzie from her last appearance on the show, where she gained instant infamy for her, um, “independent thinking” and affection for her “ni-ni,” with quotes such as,”Where’d My Ni-Ni Goooooo?!,” screamed at a volume level audible to people in Uruguay. Since that most memorable appearance (which also sparked quite a dialogue here), Mackenzie has been on Anderson Cooper’s talk show and in People magazine, as well as spoofed by Ashley Tisdale on Funny or Die. But don’t worry, folks! All of this attention hasn’t gone to the little girl’s head…
“I’m Mackenzie, I’m six, and I’m famous,” Mackenzie boasts matter-of-factly.
Lest you question her fame, the pageant director finishes making love to her lollipop long enough to wax poetic about Mackenzie’s popularity:
“I know Mackenzie has so many fans her name is tweeting on Twitter,” she says. “That’s big time when you can get … whatever that’s called, you know?”
This week’s highlights: Despite her crushing loss at the last pageant, Mackenzie is as cooperative as ever, complaining about her fake eyelashes — “MY EYES ARE SORE!” — and her hair — “FEELS LIKE NEEDLES IN MY HEAD!” and refusing to practice. “I WANT MY NI-NI!” the distressed six-year-old cries for her pacifier. Meanwhile, her mom retains total control of the situation by smiling complacently.
And by “boosting” Mackenzie’s energy level (oh yes, that’s just what she needs) with a super-sized Pixy Stick… or three…all of them bigger than an Olsen Twin. After injecting her child with more sugar than a Twinkie factory dipped in Sucrose, Mackenzie’s mom attempts to calm her child before going on-stage by holding her hands. Mackenzie immediately recoils.
“I DON’T LIKE YOU TALKING TO ME AT PAGEANTS!” whines the little girl. And who can blame her for being embarrassed? She is BFFs with Anderson Cooper now, after all. A VIP.
On-stage drama! Mackenzie’s belly is — GASP! — showing in the Beauty portion! The camera ZOOMS IN for added effect:
“Oh my gosh, her belly’s showing!” exclaims her mom. “Oh my God. Shoot, shoot, shoot! Shoot, shoot, shoot!”
Orphaned children of Haiti, step off. Mackenzie’s peek o’ belly is a REAL catastrophe.
Outcome: Despite the Belly Disaster of 2011 and an on-stage stumble, the judges are in awe of Mackenzie. “Mackenzie is a star in the glitz world,” gushes one of the judges. “Makes the other girls step up their game a little bit.” Yes, the judges are clearly drinking the Pixy Stix…er, Kool-Aid…because they crown her Beauty Supreme. Mackenzie accepts it — and her fans’ adoration — with graciousness as she steps off the stage.
“Okay, seriously, stop hugging me,” she tells an overzealous fan, pushing her away.
Brooke, 10, and Kaylie, 8, from Dubberly, Louisiana
The scoop: “We’re the hottest glitz sisters!” declare the sisters with trademark Toddlers & Tiaras humility. Humble — and slightly competitive with each other, notes their dad. Just slightly.
“I want to win Ultimate Grand Supreme very badly, so I’m going to beat Brooke,” brags Kaylie. “And then, if Brooke starts crying, I will beat her to the ground,” she says, making her sister cry.
If that’s not sisterly love, I don’t know what is.
Perhaps the sting of sibling rivalry can be softened with a big-ass pageant trailer with their names and faces emblazoned on the side.
Well, with somebody’s faces, at least. Theirs? Not so sure.
Outcome: Kaylie rocks the stage despite never wanting to practice for pageants, while “Brooke did phenomenal,” according to one impressed judge. This earns Kaylie a crown for Overall Candywear and Brooke the Beauty Photo Supreme title. Winners all-around! Good thing they have that trailer to haul their crowns back to Louisiana. (Or maybe that’s where they make Mom sit?)
Hailey, 9, from Paris, Texas
The scoop: Hailey dreams of being a model-slash-doctor someday. And with Hailey’s long legs and well-spoken ways, we can actually believe this dream is within her reach. (Warning: Hailey and her mom are ridiculously well-grounded and likable. Not sure how they slipped by casting.) However, her godfather-slash-pageant coach-slash-drag queen, DJ (“Shangela”)…
…has shorter-term goals for Hailey: to make sure her fake nails are “closer to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, not New Jersey” and increase her fierceness factor with backyard “walk-off” competitions (Hailey wins) and sage advice:
“I want you to push that cart like a homeless woman in New York. Push it!”
Ugh. And here I’ve been pushing that cart like a homeless woman in Los Angeles. No wonder I’ve been getting weird looks. It’s all about New York homeless women now. That’s what I get for reading outdated issues of InStyle.
Outcome: Hailey overcomes an imperceptible stumble (one that makes her cry, devastated, afterward even though her mom assures her nobody noticed) to totally bring it, ’50s-style, in her candywear routine, earning her the Mini-Supreme title. Although it’s not the highest title of Ultimate Grand Supreme, she and her mom are appreciative of the honor.
“You have to lose graciously and win humbly,” smiles Hailey’s mom.
Oh, is that right, Hailey’s mom? Pssshhh. Obviously, you’ve never watched this show.