Time to prepare for Georgia’s Precious Moments Pageant! A glimpse at last year’s winner:
A beauty, for sure, but overdid it with the spray tan.
:01 – We meet June, mom of six-year-old Alana and the self-proclaimed “The Coupon Queen.” Yes, June is into “extreme couponing” — the only way they can afford to enter pageants, which have cost the family eight or nine-thousand-dollars so far. Yeah. VERY extreme couponing.
“Those other girls must be crazy if they think they’re gonna beat me,” drawls Alana. “Honey boo-boo child!”
She had me at “honey boo-boo.”
:03 – “You gotta practice. Them girls practice every day. You wanna win?” asks the mom of Laci, 8. Apparently, Laci isn’t too worried about her chances because she says she’s “all that and a bag of chips.” (Now we know Laci’s pageant talent: time-traveling back to the ’90s when people said “all that and a bag of chips.”) In fact, the humble child is confident she’s better than all the other girls. “Because I’m sassy,” Laci purrs — followed by a lioness roar.
:04 – Sassy… and a future member of Choco-holics Anonymous. When Laci doesn’t get her requested chocolate, she communicates her displeasure:
With an earsplitting SCREAM. Ah, kids. So precious.
While rolling around on the ground surrounded by pieces of chocolate, Laci says when she’s eating it, she feels like she’s in “chocolate heaven.” (Finally — something on this show with which I can agree.)
:05 – We meet 6-year-old Heaven, who claims she is a “pageant angel.” While chomping her gum. Loudly. Obnoxiously. Er, angelically.
:05 – “How many pageants have you did?” asks Heaven’s mom, thereby answering our question for Heaven’s mom: “How many grammar classes have you did?”
:06 – “Let me see you shake that booty, Heaven,” her mom urges.
Booty shake practice.
:07 – Alana’s dad says, “If I had to, I’d clip a million coupons for Alana.” Awwww. The six-year-old returns the love by exclaiming, “I’ve gotta have some money to go my pageants wiiiiiiiith.”
:08 – Laci is not only excited about the prospect of winning the pageant, but also about the opportunity to kill a deer! “Today might be the day I shoot my first dear,” Laci says giddily. “I’m really excited. Like I’m going to pass out,” she says, pretending to faint. A reaction I have, as well, when imagining a fresh corpse.
Sadly, no animals were killed in the making of this episode. “Stinks I didn’t kill my first deer,” Alana sighs, totally bummed.
:14 – Alana’s mom, June, takes her to the local high school to practice her pageant moves. When Alana acts silly instead of focusing on perfecting her “pageant smile,” June scolds her — making Alana cry. But don’t worry! June handles her sensitive daughter with motherly compassion:
“Now stop cryin’ cuz we can’t walk outta here cryin’,” hisses June. “C’mere, C’mere. Dry it up, dry it up, or you ain’t walkin’ anywhere. Don’t even turn toward the camera. Are you ready to smile? You can walk out now.”
Normally, I would [INSERT SNARKY COMMENT HERE], but it may be in the best interest of my FACE if I don’t unleash the wrath of June:
“If somebody came up to me, had an opinion about my daughter, I would knock them the hell up,” notes June, laughing: “Like get in your face and knock the sh*t out of you.”
*Gulp* So, um, all I have to say is: LOVE the shelves of detergent, June! Love. Never know when you’re going to have a bulk laundry emergency. And the nice wave in your hair…! Is that natural?
:19 – But not even a practice session gone awry can break Alana’s spirit. Well… make that her spirited passion for cash. “I like to win because I like to win mon-aaaaaaay!” declares Alana, adding: “A dolla makes me holla, honey boo-boo!” (Fun game: Find a way to work “A dolla makes me holla, honey boo-boo!” into conversation today.)
:24 – Pageant time! The pageant director offers her assessment of our three contestants:
- Alana is new to the pageant scene, but the director thinks the little girl will “enjoy it.” (If that director knows what’s good for her, she’ll give that crown to June’s daughter RIGHT NOW.)
- “Sometimes it takes Heaven a little while to get going, but once she gets on stage, she’ll shine and win.”
- “Laci loves the stage, she loves what she does – why she does well.”
:25 – “I like gettin’ my hair and makeup done,” reveals Alana, adding: “Because I want to win the biggest trophy with a lot of monaaaaaaay!” Every time Alana ends a sentence like that, I expect to get a free car because she sounds like Oprah announcing to her studio audience: Everybody’s going home with a Toyotaaaaaaaaa!
:25 – Heaven looks sad as she gets her hair done.
Perhaps she’s not thrilled about hosting a bouquet of roses on her head.
The before-and-after shots:
Mon-aaaaaaay lover, Alana:
The human flower vase, Heaven:
Bambi’s worst nightmare, Laci:
I know what you’re thinking and I totally agree: their makeup is WAY too natural. I can almost tell who they are!
:25 — Heaven’s mom knows her little human flower vase needs an energy boost, but says she doesn’t give her daughter energy drinks because they are bad for little girls’ health. Meanwhile…
:26 — Alana’s mom has no qualms about letting her suck down as much “special juice” as she wants. But don’t judge…! She had no choice but to turn to energy drinks because they once “went through FIFTEEN bags of Pixie Sticks” – “pageant crack” – and they ” just didn’t do anything for her.” Except making her blood sugar level equivalent to a Sour Patch Kid factory’s.
“My ‘special juice’ is gonna help me wiiiiiinnnnn,” slurs Alana, dressed like Daisy Duke in a belly shirt and thumping her chest. “Special Juice makes me feel like… I wanna pull mommy’s hair!” Which should make for a highly entertaining on-stage performance.
“Work it, Smoochie!” yells June, helping Alana by performing the dance along with her in the audience:
“Must…keep…looking… ahead…” think the ladies in front of her.
:41 – Laci is performing a Lady Gaga routine. Fun! In a meat bikini. *Ahem*
Warning: Do not wear this bathing suit near a grill. Or a pack of hyenas.
Unfortunately, Laci ended up having to ditch her steak suit because they were running late. So late, that they were docked points and a flustered Laci gave a less-than-stellar performance.
Laci’s mom’s supportive assessment of Laci’s routine.
:50 – Despite equally enthusiastic performances, not everyone can win, sadly. Alana ends up getting third runner-up in her division, which thrills her mom — like, so thrilled that she can’t help but BURP in the middle of talking (class and elegance, thy name is June) — but not Alana, who laments: “I feel sad because I didn’t get a big trophy and I didn’t get a crown. I showed my belly to the judges. Look at this big thing!”
“They don’t know a good thing when they see it,” she says, squeezing her stomach and making it talk. (I think we have her new “talent” for the next competition!)
:57 – Laci is honored with the Personality Supreme title. (Personality? Pssshhh! Who cares about that?) Why, Laci is so delighted and appreciative of the title… that she barely cares when her crown falls off. In fact, she may have given it a little push.
“I didn’t get any cash, that’s why I was disappointed,” Laci sighs. ” Now you gotta remind me of that, thanks” Laci says grumpily, noting she still has big dreams of becoming Miss America… then Miss Universe and THEN… “in charge of the WHOLE huntin’ club.”
Yes! The whole huntin’ club. Which isn’t surprising… after all, how else is she going to find more material for her bathing suits?
“A Dolla’ Makes Me Holla’, Honey Boo-Boo!”