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Sir Drew’s Law of Vengeful Sleeping Habits

Candy's Column

Sir Drew’s Law of Vengeful Sleeping Habits

It is well-known within the scientific community that Sir Isaac Newton discovered his third law upon changing a baby’s diaper, wherein it became apparent that for every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.   Meaning:  The baby’s action is to push down on the diaper with the force of his powerful grunts, and the reaction is that the diaper pushes the excrement upwards with an equal force, spraying the excrement pretty much everywhere but inside the diaper.

Related:  Skye’s Law of Universal Gravity-Defying Poop.

Turns out, the principles of Newton’s third law also apply to an infant’s sleeping habits, wherein if you blog about your baby never sleeping, your baby’s reaction will be to scoff, Hey!  I’ll show her! and sleep ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT the very day his mom publishes the incriminating column.

If it would please the panel, I would like to submit Drew’s Law of Vengeful Sleeping Habits:


SB is the Sleeping Baby

MWBP is Mom’s Whiny Blog Post

BR is Baby’s Revenge

BE is Baby’s Exhaustion

and FPRP is the newly purchased Fisher-Price Rock ‘n Play (review to come later today on The Nesting Stork).

For those who are not obvious physics whizzes such as myself, allow me to put it in layman’s terms: If you whine about your child on the Internet, your ten-week-old will suddenly develop the ability to read* and exact his revenge by doing the very opposite of your complaint to make you look like a fool — e.g., take four-hour naps that day and sleep from 8 p.m. – 3:30 a.m. at night, causing you to wake up every fifteen minutes, your heart racing, and cry, OMIGOD IS MY BABY ALIVE?  IS HE BREATHING?

And just when you start to feel hopeful about these new-and-improved sleeping habits?  He will stop sleeping again.**  Which will make you sob because you know what he is capable of now.

Perhaps if ol’ Newton had experimented with this groundbreaking discovery on his own blog, Queen Anne would have knighted him before he was 62 years old.  Pfffft.  Underachiever.

*Yes!  Mah boy can read!

**Okay, so he’s still sleeping better than he was before.  But, as they say, never let the truth get in the way of a good law of motion.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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