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Rock Star Divas and Dolls Pageant: What I Learned from This Week’s “Toddlers & Tiaras”

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Rock Star Divas and Dolls Pageant: What I Learned from This Week’s “Toddlers & Tiaras”

A few parenting and life lessons I gleaned from this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras’ exploration of the “South Georgia-style glitz pageant,” Rock Star Diva and Dolls:

Olivia: "Dominant," not psycho

1.  If your three-year-old calls you a “crazy fool,” says she doesn’t like you, elbows you and repeatedly tries to stab your hand with a fork, it’s all good!  No need to discipline or point out that she is exhibiting the kind of behavior that would even make Snooki cringe.  Because it’s “still kind of cutesy at this point” and “just a way to show other kids she’s dominant.”  PHEW!

Dale, the self-proclaimed "Diva Dad"

2.  Just because you’re a 40-something father doesn’t mean you should give up your dreams of being a pretty princess.

At the auto body shop. Two-year-old Peyton has been getting spray tans since she was 11 months old. No word on why she started so late.

3. Auto body shops apparently offer free toddler spray tans with every oil change!  (It was only a matter of time until car shops jumped on this natural business expansion.)

4.  Bubbles, Olivia’s dyed-purple horse, needs a new agent.  And possibly a ticket into the witness protection program.

5.  Avoid local pageants, advises Olivia’s mom, because those judges are nicer to the kids/contestants who “have cancer and stuff.”  Ugh.  SO UNFAIR.

"There's a girl here using her REAL teeth. BWA-HA-HAAAAA! We'll crush her!"

6. Being the dad who spies and reports on the competition with a walkie-talkie isn’t creepy at all!

More “Toddlers & Tiaras” recaps…

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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