A few parenting and life lessons I gleaned from this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras’ exploration of the “South Georgia-style glitz pageant,” Rock Star Diva and Dolls:
1. If your three-year-old calls you a “crazy fool,” says she doesn’t like you, elbows you and repeatedly tries to stab your hand with a fork, it’s all good! No need to discipline or point out that she is exhibiting the kind of behavior that would even make Snooki cringe. Because it’s “still kind of cutesy at this point” and “just a way to show other kids she’s dominant.” PHEW!
2. Just because you’re a 40-something father doesn’t mean you should give up your dreams of being a pretty princess.
3. Auto body shops apparently offer free toddler spray tans with every oil change! (It was only a matter of time until car shops jumped on this natural business expansion.)
4. Bubbles, Olivia’s dyed-purple horse, needs a new agent. And possibly a ticket into the witness protection program.
5. Avoid local pageants, advises Olivia’s mom, because those judges are nicer to the kids/contestants who “have cancer and stuff.” Ugh. SO UNFAIR.
6. Being the dad who spies and reports on the competition with a walkie-talkie isn’t creepy at all!