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Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Seek Tutor Who Can Teach Four Languages — and Flies with Umbrella


Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin Seek Tutor Who Can Teach Four Languages — and Flies with Umbrella

If you are super-smart, athletic, musically gifted, multilingual, willing to travel the world and work two to four hours a day, and have an appreciation for fruit-based baby names… then, wow, have we got just the job for you!

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are looking for a tutor for their two kids, Apple, 7, and Moses, 5, with a friend of the couple telling The Sun, “They’re looking for someone with amazing qualifications — fluent in languages, able to play two instruments and sporty.  It’s likely the tutor will be Oxbridge-educated.”

Ability to fly with an umbrella…?  Preferred.

Their ad requests applicants who can teach Ancient Greek, Latin, French and Spanish to Moses and Apple — no surprise, I suppose, considering Chris Martin studied at University College London, where he graduated with First Class honours in Greek and Latin.  La-di-da.

Perks include all expenses paid, free use of a West London flat and free travel with the couple and their kids when they fly abroad — plus a $98,000 salary for working a few hours a day.

Not to mention a lifetime supply of View from the Top DVDs!  (Seriously.  The studio can’t find any other suckers.)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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