Most men hoping to curry favor with their wives will buy a bouquet of lilies or put the toilet seat down, but not Robert Spearing. Oh, no…! The 44-year-old from the Province of Ontario had to make his friends look bad with their wives by scoring tickets to — GASP! — Oprah’s Farewell Spectacular.
Too bad the tickets only existed in his head.
Obviously, Robert hadn’t exactly thought things through when he and his wife packed up and drove the more than 700 miles to Chicago to see the big show. Unfortunately, he didn’t happen to find any Oprah tickets lying around at a rest stop or bump into Gayle King along the way. So, naturally, Robert did what any other completely sane husband would do: One day before the taping, he cut his own forehead with a rock and scraped his hands on the sidewalk to mimic injuries from a violent street robbery — then told police he’d been mugged by two men (“one African-American and one Hispanic”) who stole his tickets to the big show.
Don’t you just hate it when two violent criminals beat you down for your Oprah tickets?
Yeah, things didn’t exactly add up, so Robert was forced to confess that he’d totally made up the mugging story. The Husband of the Week was charged with one count of felony disorderly conduct for filing a false police report. He spent the night in jail and a relative showed up the next day to post bail.
I’m also guessing he won’t get a piece for a very, very, very long time.
Sometimes, it’s best to just stick to flowers and thoughtful bathroom habits. Or to at least make your story more believable by making the muggers wild-eyed, steak knife-wielding housewives from Fargo.