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Candy’s Shocking Maternity Wear Confession: “The Empire Waist is No Friend of Mine!”

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Candy’s Shocking Maternity Wear Confession: “The Empire Waist is No Friend of Mine!”

I made a big mistake in buying maternity clothes my first time ’round, that mistake being:  I thought I would look reasonably attractive in them.  I scooped up dresses, tops and jeans from various Web sites, with visions of me prancing around town looking like a hot mama.  (And, yes, in my visions, KT Tunstall’s “Suddenly I See” was playing in the background, as it should be in all dreams — as well as TV shows and movies — about stylishly prancing around the city.)  Then… the clothes arrived.  I eagerly tried them on.  “Suddenly I See” faded into the theme song from Godzilla because I looked anything but cute — and this was before I was really popping out.

You know the empire waist sewn into most all maternity tops and dresses, making it look like your waist falls right below your boobs?  Like this…?

Yeah, turns out, when your pre-pregnancy boobs were already ample, you don’t need such a waistline to make it look like you’re sporting Double-Es.  Or like you’re nine months pregnant at your baby shower when you’re only SIX MONTHS ALONG.

I mean, just look at my mom.  She is so flabbergasted by the size of my chi-chis that she cannot even open her eyes.  And shrunk six inches.  It’s a damn shame.

Here we are again.  By this time, I’d wisely ditched the maternity tops in favor of larger “regular” clothes.  Except for pants, of course.  No way could I have squeezed that belly into anything not containing elastic.  Not without a lot of butter, a David Spade-sized shoehorn and an oxygen mask, at least.

I look practically the same size, right?  Sorta?  Well, my point is, I gave birth THE NEXT DAY.  Nine months pregnant here.  Barely six months pregnant above.

The maternity style lesson I bring to this pregnancy:  Just say “no” to chi-chi-enhancing empire waists, and say “YUP!” to oversized diva sunglasses that make my bump appear smaller in comparison.  Also:  Buy Mom a step stool for photo sessions.*

*Don’t worry; she’s used to the ribbing from all three of her kids and her husband.  That’s what she gets for reproducing with a man who’s 6’3″.

Because you know I had to:

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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