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How Not to Use a Baby to Promote Your Product


How Not to Use a Baby to Promote Your Product

I got suckered into having babies for one good, solid reason:  They’re pretty darn cute.  Also, you can train them to fetch a beer.  With all of that going for them, you would think companies couldn’t go wrong by featuring these adorable tots in their ads, right?  Ha, haaaaaa!  Think again.  Because they can go wrong.  Oh, so very, very wrong.  Let me count the ways of how NOT to use a baby to promote a product:

1.  Using clown babies.  *GULP*  This McDonald’s ad from India looks a little like something out of Stephen King’s IT.  Now, who’s in the mood for some McNuggets?!

2.  Sticking bread in a baby’s butt crack.  As precious as that is, I think I’ll stick to just butter on my toast, please.  (“I asked for Rye toast, not rear toast!”)  (Bonus parenthetical: I cannot help but note that I refrained from making a truly gross “squeezing out a loaf” joke here.  I hope you appreciate my restraint.)

3.  Decapitating babies.  “Evian.  Live young.  Wear a headless baby.”

4.  Letting fetuses use cell phones.  Before you know it, they’ll be demanding laptops and ratting out their moms on Facebook with the status update:  “MOM HAD TWO CUPS OF COFFEE TODAY.  SO WIRED!”  However, I think we can all agree that the creepiest part of this ad is that the baby has an old 8700.  Upgrade that thing, fetus!  Embarrassing.

5.  Using babies to encourage cancer.  Haven’t babies caused their parents’ health enough damage with all the sleepless nights, “love bites” and near-heart attacks?  Geesh.  Now go fetch me a beer instead, Baby!

6.  Digitally breaking a baby’s legs.   That baby’s not in any shape to go to a concert right now, I’m afraid.

7.  Making babies talk like middle-aged men.  It’s just wrong.  Everybody knows most middle-aged men do not have this much hair.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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