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Toddler Kicked Out of Preschool for Potty Accidents, Killing Her Chances with Harvard

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Toddler Kicked Out of Preschool for Potty Accidents, Killing Her Chances with Harvard

The Washington Post recently ran a story about a three-year-old who was suspended from preschool — for a month! — because she sometimes has problems making it to the toilet on time.  Like, you know, many three-year-olds and frat house beer pong players so often do.  To add insult to lack of bladder control, the principal actually escorted the little girl and her mother from the building.  To make sure the toddler didn’t leave a farewell puddle in the hallway, I guess.

My knee-jerk reaction was, OMG, that school sucks big balls! Because those are the kind of profound, maternal thoughts that run through my mind.  Then I sat back and mulled over it for a minute, and I thought, OMG, those parents suck big balls! I mean, seriously?  Running to the Washington Post and announcing to the world that your child pees her pants is not going to do her any favors, especially now that her name (used in the article) will forever be associated with “potty issues” on the Internet.

To forever be associated with “potty mouth,” on the other hand, would be pretty damn cool.

So I got to thinking:  How would I have exacted my revenge on the school?  Because if there’s one lesson that children should get out of this, it’s that NO HUMILIATING DEED SHOULD GO UNPUNISHED!  A sampling of the constructive ways I would have handled the suspension:

1)  Left a farewell puddle in the hallway;

2)  Put the principal on a mailing list for adult diaper promotions and coupons — using the school’s address; and/or…

3)  Covered the school administration’s toilet seats with saran wrap.

Let’s hear it for putting the “pee” in principal!  (I know, I know… *GONG*)

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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