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Natalie Portman is Engaged, Pregnant, a CIA Spy


Natalie Portman is Engaged, Pregnant, a CIA Spy

NATALIE: Guess what? I have a bun in the oven! BENJAMIN: None for me, thanks. We dancers have to watch our carbs.

Okay, maybe Natalie hasn’t announced the last one yet, but I wouldn’t put it past her.  This chick is full of surprises!

The eminently likable actress tells People magazine that she is engaged and pregnant — a headline I had to read, like, twice to make sure it wasn’t just a Christmas cookie overdose-induced mirage.  The lucky guy…?  32-year-old Black Swan choreographer and actor Benjamin Millepied*, who is, I must say, rather easy on the eyes.  ALMOST as handsome as Mr. Candy.  Almost.

(See, ladies?  This is the secret to a successful marriage.  And I mean it.  Just like Mr. Candy meant is when he said I was hotter than Jessica Alba and Charlize Theron combined.  Right?  …RIGHT?!)

Yeah, I see that look of pity you’re giving me, but I’m too busy stuffing more Christmas cookies in my mouth to respond.

Congrats to the expecting couple!

*Millepied (n.)

1.  Bug with a thousand legs;

2.  From here on out, synonymous with “Natalie Portman’s BabyDaddy”

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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