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Did I Mention I Have a Baby?

Candy's Column

Did I Mention I Have a Baby?

BACKSTORY:  On Monday mornings, there is nowhere to park within a mile radius of Skye’s daycare because of street cleaning, parking regulations, blah, blah, blah.  AS IF MONDAY MORNINGS AREN’T BAD ENOUGH.  So, being the good citizen that I am, I usually park illegally in the driveway entrance while I quickly drop her off.  As I did this past Monday.

DAYCARE ADMINISTRATOR:  Um, I think you’re getting a parking ticket.

ME:  Shit!

I look over at the table of impressionable one-year-olds.

ME:  You didn’t hear that.

Then I run like hell towards my car, where Parking Enforcement — also known as “The Most Thankless Job in the World” — was indeed making a big deal of punching my license plate number on his hand-held parking ticket printer.

ME:  Stop!  Please!  I was just dropping off my baby.


I tenderly hug Skye’s sippy cup to my chest.

ME:  Yes, my baby goes to daycare here.  And there’s nowhere else to park.

EVIL PARKING ENFORCEMENT:  You’re lucky I haven’t started the ticket yet.

ME:  I am.  I really am.  MY BABY and I appreciate your understanding.

EVIL PARKING ENFORCEMENT:  But you shouldn’t park here, you know.  People with strollers or wheelchairs would have to walk around your car, onto the street —

ME:   As the mother of A BABY, I completely understand what you mean.  Never again.

EVIL PARKING ENFORCEMENT:   Have a good day, ma’am.

ME:  Sa-weet! Playing the mom card is even more effective than trying to cry my way out of a speeding ticket!  (NEVER worked for me, by the way.)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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