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Mr. Candy, Evil Mastermind

Candy's Column

Mr. Candy, Evil Mastermind

BACKSTORY:  Our 15-month-old loves taking baths so much that she never wants to get out of her duck tub.  Like, EVER.  Wrinkled like a prune?  No problem!  She is more than happy to resemble a fruit laxative.  And if we should be rude enough to grab her out of the tub after, say, 40 minutes of splashing and reading about Mimi’s freakin’ toes for the four-hundredth time that night, Miss Skye will SCREEEAAAM and throw her wet, slippery body back and forth and side-to-side — making it so hard to hold on to her that I have seriously considered calling upon a salmon fishing crew to help bring her to shore.

So, yesterday, Mr. Candy bounds down the stairs after giving Miss Skye a bath — without a trace of sweat on his brow.  I am immediately suspicious.

ME:  Skylar is… clean?

MR. CANDY:  (NODS)  I think I’ve found an evil way to get her out of the tub.

ME:  Oh yeah?

MR. CANDY:  Pull the plug and drain all the water while she’s sitting in it.

ME:  That is evil.  I LOVE IT.

US:  Bwa-ha-haaaaaaa!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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