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Top 10 Signs Your First Birthday Party Was a Success

Candy's Column

Top 10 Signs Your First Birthday Party Was a Success

1.  You get more cake in your hair than in your mouth.

2.  You don’t go to bed until the ridiculously late hour of… 9 p.m.

3.   Nobody insults you with an “over-the-hill” birthday card saying, “Don’t worry, Old Fart.  One year is the new nine months!”

4.  The guests totally kicked two gallons of skim milk, bitches!

5.  You got to wear a tiara…

…making your father jealous.  (You’ll always be a pretty princess to me, Mr. Candy.)

6.  Spencer Pratt did not crash the party despite threatening to do so in last week’s Us Weekly.

7.  The neighbors called the cops because the party was rocking out to “Farmer in the Dell” at full blast.

8.  Your parents took 312 pictures of the birthday festivities (See also:  Top 10 Signs That You Are the First Child)

9.  By the time you go to bed, you’re only twitching a little bit from the sugar overdose.

10.  You got so many presents from your TWO East Coast birthday parties, that your parents have to charter Suzanne Somers’ private jet just to get them back to L.A.

Happy 1st Birthday, Miss Skye!

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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