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Don’t Even Want to Know What My Doctor Tells Other Patients About ME

Candy's Column

Don’t Even Want to Know What My Doctor Tells Other Patients About ME

An excerpt from my conversation with my doctor at today’s annual gyno checkup that was, oh, about one year overdue:

DOCTOR:  How did breastfeeding go with your baby?

ME:  Still nursing, actually.  Plan to nurse until she’s a year old.

DOCTOR:  Wonderful!  So many benefits for the baby and for you.

ME:  Yeah.  Gonna be hard to wean her, I’m afraid  She loves the boobie juice!

CANDY’S INNER DIALOGUE:  I cannot BELIEVE I just said “boobie juice.”

DOCTOR:  That reminds me of one of my patients…

CANDY’S INNER DIALOGUE: She has a patient who loves boobie juice?!

ME:  Oh?

DOCTOR:  I’d helped deliver her baby back in 2007.

ME:  Mmmm-hmmm.

DOCTOR:  And she came in recently because she had missed a few periods.  Thought she might be pregnant, so we tested her — negative.  Ran a few other tests — also negative.  Then she asked me, ‘Could it be because I’ve been nursing intensely lately?’

My doctor pauses for dramatic effect, waits for it to sink in…

ME:  She’s breastfeeding a three-year-old?!


ME:  Ha, haaaaa…

CANDY’S INNER DIALOGUE: Wait — why does that remind her of ME?  Hmpf.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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