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What I Learned on Our First Family Vacation

Candy's Column

What I Learned on Our First Family Vacation

The hubby, baby and I escaped the horrid sunny, 70-degree weather here in Los Angeles to head to San Diego on our first real family vacation this past weekend. Sure, the three of us have flown to the East Coast to visit family before, but shuttling back and forth between families is usually about as relaxing as taking a day with the Jolie-Pitts at Chuck E. Cheese’s.   So we consider this our first vay-cay as a threesome.  A few observations about the experience:

1.  Somehow, a tiny 20-pound human being requires approximately twenty not-so-little bags of her own — yet she will not offer to carry a single one of them.

2.  …Which is why the hotel bellhop will become your best friend.

3.  The San Diego Marriott bellhop’s name is Joe.  Joe likes to play golf and watch Big Bang Theory.  I look forward to Joe’s Fourth of July picnic next month.

4.  No need to pack bags of toys next time, when we can simply throw Skye one of my dirty shoes.  HOURS of entertainment, apparently.  And tasty cuisine.

5.  When our child is not sleeping, she does not stop babbling.  Ever.  I’m pretty sure she recited War and Peace — twice — on our car ride to San Diego and back.   Either that, or she was hungry and repeatedly asking us to throw her a shoe and some ketchup.

6.  That hot hotel sex we used to have…?  Yeah, it is now reduced to a minute of fumbling in the closet, out of the way of little prying eyes, lodged in between the ironing board and the safety box.

In other words, the most romance we’ve had in months.

7.  Our vacation schedule no longer revolves around Happy Hour; it revolves around the baby’s naps.

8.  People actually wake up and leave the hotel before 10 a.m.!  And not just for hangover remedies!  Who knew?  Not I… until I became one of those people.

9.  Jamming to nightclub music is a thing of the past.  Now our vacation nights involve pumping up the volume… on my iPhone’s white noise app.

10.  If you ever need to track us down while we’re on vacation, just follow the trail of straws and partially eaten Cheerios.  (See also:  Why we are VERY popular with restaurants and hotel bars.)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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