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Candy’s TGIF Sick Tot-tini

Candy's Column

Candy’s TGIF Sick Tot-tini

“One of the boys here has a cold, and the doctor told his mom it’s definitely contagious,” Teacher Nicole tells me apologetically as Skye coughs on cue. Damn. The last time we went down this road, the cold was followed by an ear infection, many sleepless nights and me ending up even more sick than Miss Skye… not that anybody cares about the sick mama, as I’ve learned. (Cue pity party music here.)

So this time…? I am arming myself against those pesky germs the best way I know how. NO, not with rest and exercise, you silly geese. With a Vitamin C-packed TGIF SICK TOT-TINI!


  • 1 oz. vodka (no vitamins, but it sure will make you feel good)
  • 1 oz. peach schnapps (It has PEACHES on the label! Surely, there must be vitamins… no? Ah, crap.)
  • 1 oz. cranberry juice (use real, not cocktail juice, for actual vitamins)
  • 3 oz. orange juice (thus the, um, vitamin C)


Pour all ingredients into a highball glass over ice. Easy-peasy, as Koko on Chuggington would say. (Lord help me for knowing that.)

Chug and chant, “Germs, germs, go away! Mama needs to get her drink on today!”

Or, you know, just drink it like a normal person. Either/or.

Chase with additional vitamin C-packed shot of orange juice:

Be sure to drink shot out of glass advertising a party town such as South Beach, to remind you of the days when you REALLY got your drink on — and drank actual alcohol out of shot glasses, instead of O.J. to protect you against your eight-month-old’s cold.

(Yeah, yeah, we could have just mixed orange juice and vodka to make the Sick Tot-tini, but that would have made a much lamer picture.)

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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