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Looking Back: What I Learned in February 2010

Candy's Column

Looking Back: What I Learned in February 2010

Wow.  March sneaked up on me like my car registration renewal!  Farewell, February 2010.  Here are some important lessons I learned during your brief 28 days…

Lesson #1:  According to my mother, because I have decided to breastfeed for a — GASP! — year, I am going to be one of those women who swings by the high school cafeteria during lunch because I WILL STILL BE NURSING MY DAUGHTER INTO HER TEENAGE YEARS.  Which is ridiculous.  I have no plans to nurse after the kid moves on from junior high.

Also, if my mom is not careful, I’m going to go Grandma Kirby on her ass and annoy her with countless articles about how the medical community actually recommends breastfeeding for a year and even beyond.  (Yes, Grandma Kirby used to send many clipped newspaper articles to all of us on various inane topics.  My personal favorite was a pointed article explaining the dangers of living together before marriage when Mr. Candy and I, well, lived together in sin.  The title:  “Is He Just Using You for Sex?”  My response:  “How does she know I’m not using HIM for sex?”)

Lesson #2:  A cat KNOWS when you’ve “hidden” Prozac in his Meow Mix.  And he only becomes more depressed because you have ruined his favorite meal of the day.

Lesson #3:  When your baby falls ill with a miserable cold and ear infection, and passes that cold/flu on to you, and your husband is traveling that entire week leaving you with no support system, there is only one constructive way to handle the situation:  CRY AND COMPLAIN.  Also, keep in mind nobody will care that you are sick.  Their concern is reserved for the baby ONLY.  So be sure to direct your complaints to the cat/dog, because s/he is the only one who truly cares about YOU.

ME:  I feel like I’m going to die…


ME:  I am leaving you for the cat.

Lesson #4:  Being awakened at 6AM by a baby squawking like a pterodactyl is much more palatable when said baby enthusiastically grabs your face and gives you big, wet, sloppy baby kisses on the cheek.  Well-played, Miss Skye.

Lesson #5:  Solid foods can cause a baby to have weird poop and her first-ever diaper rash.  Damn you, strained green beans!

Lesson #6:  If you discover you’re not totally inept in the kitchen, do not share that revelation with others or else they will expect you to cook for them, too.  *GULP*

Lesson #7:  If your house is a pigsty and your cat just took a very smelly dump in the downstairs litter box, your neighbors WILL choose that moment to stop by unexpectedly.  (So.  Mortified.)

Lesson #8:  Godiva Chocolate Liqueur + Vanilla Vodka = YUM

Lesson #9: As much as Skye loves her father and me, she will never love us as much as she loves her tongue:

Lesson #10:  You cannot truly appreciate the phrase “time flies” until you have a child of your own.  Miss Skye just turned SEVEN MONTHS OLD, people!  Which means only eleven years and five months of breastfeeding left!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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