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The Day I Won Baby Gear, Vaginal Insults

Candy's Column

The Day I Won Baby Gear, Vaginal Insults

Confession:  I used to be a contest whore.  While other teenagers spent their weekends doing productive things such as fumbling around with each other underneath the football stadium bleachers and becoming connoisseurs of fine libations like Pabst, I spent the bulk of my weekends constantly hitting “redial” on the phone in hopes of being the 104th caller and winning tickets to see Paula Abdul in concert.   Which is proof there was no contest I would not pursue.  Seriously.  There was nothing like the adrenaline rush of my ping pong ball dropping IN the glass bowl and being handed a plastic bag containing a fish.  Yes, Goldie was surely going to die within a week, but the important thing was I WON, I WON, I WON.

Not so sure we can say the same about Goldie (R.I.P.).

My contest pursuit may have waned over the years due to nonsense like having to WORK and look after my kid, but my passion for contests still burns within, much like Miss Skye’s new (and first-ever) diaper rash.  So, as you can imagine, I was thrilled to learn I had won Tot Trends Weekly’s Baby Gift Basket contest — especially considering I didn’t even realize I had entered it.  This basket of baby goodies may have even trumped the free dinner at Denny’s I once scored from Wink 104 FM.  Yes!  Even better than a complimentary Moons Over My Hammy platter.

Here is the highlight of my winnings:

A homemade BABY HAT!  I think I’ve made my feelings about baby hats clear.

And here is the freebie that earns the dubious honor, “ONESIE THAT INSULTS MY VAGINA”:

That’s right:  Not womb, but WOUND.  Freud would have a field day with this.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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