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An Unlikely Love Story

Candy's Column

An Unlikely Love Story

In celebration of Valentine’s Day.

Once upon a time there was a furry princess named Marcy Cuddles.  She lived in an urban castle — known to modern day folk as a “townhouse with a lot of freakin’ floors” — in a sunny, silicone-filled land called Los Angeles.  Marcy spent her days sleeping, cuddling on her mother’s lap, sleeping, eating Meow Mix, sleeping, walking outside on a leash, sleeping, running away from her bully of a furry brother and, oh yeah, sleeping some more.  She lived like this for eight years.   It was a glorious life.

Then one day Marcy’s mother and father brought home another princess of the human variety: a writhing, pooping, screaming bundle of “joy” named Miss Skye.  “This little thing sucks,” thought Marcy.  “It takes up all of Mom’s time.  I wonder if we can exchange it for a laser light instead?”   Marcy then promptly fell asleep.

When Marcy woke up, her mother was STILL holding that damn baby.  Marcy waited for her mother to put it in the litter box, or whatever it is you do with a human baby, so that she could finally sleep on her mother’s lap.  She waited.  And waited.  And…

Alas, the time never came.

Jealous of the attention bestowed upon her new sibling, Marcy became very depressed.  She briefly considered dressing like a 35-year-old Vegas hooker to get her mother’s attention; however, with no access to Ali Lohan’s closet, she decided to simply mope around the house like this.  It was the saddest sight known to man, with the possible exception of watching a Kardashian Sister trying to think.

Months went by, six of them to be exact, and Princess Marcy realized that while Miss Skye still consumed most of her mother’s time, she did not consume any of her beloved Meow Mix or chase her up the stairs like a certain furry bully — which were definitely two points in Miss Skye’s favor.  “Maybe I won’t hide her under a pile of litter, after all,” thought Marcy.  Marcy grew so fond of Skye, in fact, that she started “coincidentally” popping up everywhere Skye happened to be, following her around the house and protectively watching over her when their mother would leave the room.

“I can’t believe Mother would just leave the baby in this silly-looking aquarium play thing,” thought Marcy.  “She could roll away!  Good thing I am blessed with maternal instincts.  Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?”

Marcy’s love for her sister became adorably obvious when Skye fell ill with a cold and ear infection last week; she did not leave Skye’s side and slept outside of her bedroom door at night.  She may have even eaten less Meow Mix in solidarity with poor Skye, who could not eat as much due to an excessive snot situation.

Yes!  Less Meow Mix!  The ultimate show of kitty love.

And the human-feline-blended family lived happily ever after.

“Well, except for that jackass bully of a brother of mine,” thought Marcy, who had obviously picked up some of her mother’s unsavory language.

The End.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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