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The Homework Nazi

Candy's Column

The Homework Nazi

“How ’bout these jungle stickers?  They’re cute,” Mr. Candy enthused.

“Mmmm-hmmmm,” I half-nodded.  I pointedly showed him the stickers in my hand.  “These are the ones I picked out,” I noted, then waited for him to notice the glaring disconnect.  He just smiled, oblivious.

“Ready to check out?”


I should have bitten my tongue.  I know.  I wish I could have been a go-with-the-flow kind of gal.  I really do.  But this was Skylar’s first daycare assignment:  a family collage, to be enhanced with stickers.  Her first school assignment ever.  The assignment that would — I don’t believe this is an overstatement — determine the bar for the rest of our daughter’s academic career, if not her entire life.

Jungle stickers with raised polka-dotted letters?  I.  DON’T.  THINK.  SO.

“Does that mean you want me to put them back?” my poor husband asked, puzzled, still clinging to his jungle stickers.

“I’m so happy you agree!”

I bought my stickers, selected the family photographs, assembled the collage, hijacked all of the fun — in short, had become a TOTAL HOMEWORK NAZI.

“What if you put that picture over here…?” Mr. Candy bravely suggested.  I shot him a look.  “Or… not.”

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I can tell you this:  I am scaring myself.  I didn’t care about my college finals as much as I care about my six-month-old kid’s daycare assignment.  Hell, I apparently don’t care about my husband’s feelings as much as I care about an infant’s homework.

Baby sign language is the next assignment.  I don’t need to study the chart to know which sign Mr. Candy wants to give ME right now.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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