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Top 10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Husband

Candy's Column

Top 10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Husband

There are many things for which you simply cannot prepare when becoming a mother, one of which are the things that will escape your lips.  No, not things like DROOL, although that has certainly escaped and formed crust on my lips while nodding off in the midst of 3AM feeding sessions.  (Sexy, I know.)  I’m talking about words… crazy talk that, prior to having a baby, I never could have imagined saying.  Even now when I hear the words coming from my mouth, I’m like, “Who AM I?  Whose life is this?”

To wit:  This list of the Top 10 Things I Never Thought I’d Say to My Husband.

10.  “Not now.  My boobs are leaking.”  (Lactation is the new headache.)

9.  “A date…?  Nah.  I’d rather stay in.”

8.  “Here — let me smell her butt.”

7.  “Maybe a Mommy & Me class WOULDN’T be so cheesy, after all!

6.  “I can’t wait till my breasts permanently deflate.”

5.  “I’m going to vacuum.”

4.  “Change the channel to SpongeBob.”

3.  “Is that poop on the wall?”

2.  “I need to feed her soon, so… MAKE MINE A VIRGIN.”

And the number one thing I never thought I’d say to my husband is:

1.  “Push harder…!  It should fit in my trunk.”

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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