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The Holiday Card

Candy's Column

The Holiday Card

There was a time in my life when I didn’t send out holiday cards, convinced they were wasteful, bad for the environment and, even more important, a lot of damn work.  With the hours I saved by NOT selecting, signing, addressing and sending out 40 cards, I had time for other important tasks, like think about putting up Christmas decorations.  Oh yeah, I would think the hell out of it.

Then about four years ago I was avoiding laundry with another important effort — Photoshopping antlers on a picture of my cats.  A beautiful holiday card was born.  Yes, I was so pleased with my handiwork that I even went through the trouble of sending them out.  The cards were a big hit with family and friends, thus marking the beginning of an annual tradition:  CANDY’S RIDICULOUS CHRISTMAS CAT CARDS.

Antlers, Santa hats, angel wings… the cats have “worn” them all.  Other families send out classy, professional cards featuring their children in formal holiday wear.  We, on the other hand, send out photos of the cats in lit Rudolph noses.

It’s become such a “thing,” these cards of mine, that I really start sweating bullets in November.  So I’ve gone from zero pressure to OMIGOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO TO TOP LAST YEAR’S CARD?!

“What ARE you going to do this year?” Mr. Candy demanded to know.  “Now that we have the baby, it has to be REALLY special!”

Thank you for that added pressure, honey.  I responded as any frazzled, already-overwhelmed new mother would:  By flipping him Paris Hilton’s I.Q.

Well, in between changing diapers and thinking about washing our sheets, I finally got around to creating it.  And, I must immodestly say, I rather like my silly 2009 effort:

The printed cards exclaim, “Skylar Claus and Her Furry Elves Wish You a Happy Holiday Season!”  Yup.  Skylar Claus.  I WENT THERE.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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