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When the Hubby Travels, Candy Unravels

Candy's Column

When the Hubby Travels, Candy Unravels

To all the single parents out there, I would just like to tip my hat to you and scream, OMIGOD, HOW ON EARTH DO YOU DO IT?!

Seriously, guys.  I bow down to you.  For the past couple months, Mr. Candy has been traveling 2-5 days a week so I’ve essentially been a weekday single mother.  In the thirteen years Mr. Candy and I have been together, he has NEVER traveled this much.  Have a baby and… ADIOS, DADDY!  It kills him to be away from us this much, I know.  But I’m the one writing this column so let’s talk about MY woes, shall we?

Ahhhhhhh, that sure feels good.  Having a selfish moment, that is.

Miss Skye doesn’t seem to appreciate that Mama needs a break sometimes.  She’s all, feed me!  Clean me!  Play with me!  Love me!  Get me out of the closet!  Geesh.

The kid has also made some unfortunate executive decisions in Mr. Candy’s absence, namely the decision to STOP SLEEPING.  With no family around, you know who’s shouldering all of these sleepless nights with her, right?  Yes!  The kitties!  Okay, me and the kitties, who usually sit at my feet as I feed and soothe the cute savage beast on the rocking chair.  They smirk like, hey, you asked for this, woman.

When a four-month-old refuses to sleep, there is really only one thing a mother can do:  call friends and family in a pathetic plea for sympathy.  Because there is nothing a new mom likes more than sympathy.  Well, except for sleep.  And somebody exclaiming, “Holy cow, Mama.  You’ve lost TOO MUCH weight!”  (Still patiently waiting for that one.  And waiting… Oh, forget it, people.)

Of course these calls invariably lead to batting around all the possible reasons the baby won’t sleep at night.

Growth spurt?  Maybe.

Teething?  I don’t think so.

Worried about Tiger and Elin?  Naturally. Skye STILL can’t believe he didn’t wear a condom with all those mistresses.

Cold?  Um, the kid lives in L.A.  It was 75 degrees today.  She wore a bikini to Starbucks.

Held her too much as a newborn?  For the hundredth time, NO, MOM! (*Gulp*  Did I…?)

Hungry?  Definitely.  Skylar has developed this lovely habit of becoming distracted when she nurses during the day, usually by something VERY exciting like the paint on the ceiling.  So she is on, off, on, off, on, off more frequently than LiLo and Sam’s relationship.  Not only does it drive me nuts, but I also suspect she ends up not eating enough due to her NEED to stare at the dust on the table.  (One way in which she takes after my mom, apparently.)  And the recent introduction of rice cereal has not helped.  Perhaps because more of it ends up in my hair than in her stomach.

Which could explain why she wakes up every two hours like clockwork — every HOUR last night, oy — to eat, and why I absentmindedly poured pretzels instead of Meow Mix into the kitties’ bowls today.

Hey.  They should just be happy they got food.  Don’t they know there are cats in Africa that would be THRILLED to get a bowl of honey wheat sticks?

The kid also — oh, I’m on a roll now! — is the lightest sleeper I’ve ever encountered.  As soon as I put her down in the crib, her eyes fly open.  Probably because she heard someone sneeze in Moscow.  Then she WAILS.  Probably because she’s sad for those poor pretzel-less cats in Africa.

Which is my long-winded way of saying, BOY, do I miss Mr. Candy.  He was due to finally get back tonight, but alas… the plane had mechanical problems so he is stuck in Iowa for yet another night.  Can you believe that shit?  What’s a little “mechanical problem” when THERE IS A MOTHER IN DIRE NEED OF SLEEP?!  C’mon.  Get your priorities straight, airline folks.

*SIGH*  If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go drown my sorrows by sucking the rice cereal off my hair.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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