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Top 10 Things I Dread Most About the Holidays

Candy's Column

Top 10 Things I Dread Most About the Holidays

10.  Having to break out the maternity jeans again after gorging on my sister’s peanut butter cookies with Hershey’s Kisses (See also:  Things I Most Look Forward to).

9.  All I want for Christmas… is to get Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” out of my head.

8.  Lugging all of Skylar’s Christmas presents from coast-to-coast.  (See also:  Things Skylar Most Looks Forward to).

7.  Radio stations playing holiday music 24/7 SINCE HALLOWEEN.

6.  Retailers’ holiday catalogs, e-flyers and commercials… Oh, my!

5.  Revisiting Ali Lohan’s “Lohan Holiday,” which has sold at LEAST a dozen CDs since 2006.  (I dread it, and yet I MUST.)

4.  Finding pine needles on our floor… and in my hair… and in the cats’ fur… and in the baby’s diaper… for the next year.

3.  Having my eyes assaulted by the unexpected Slutty Santa Outfit.  (This year, see:  Octomom.)

2.  Trying to think of a good present for Mr. Candy.  (“Oh, black socks AGAIN…!  Er, thanks.”)

1.  End-of-year family updates.  You know, those annual mass “What the Smiths Did in 2009!” summaries that people stuff in their holiday cards…?  Have mercy, folks, and just give bullet points throughout the year.  (See also:  Why Facebook exists.)

All that being said, I also look forward to this Christmas more than I have since, well… my Jewish friend Sarah told me there was no Santa Claus when I was FOUR YEARS OLD.  You know why, right?  Because I get to dress Miss Skye in a SANTA HAT.  Woo-hoo!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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