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The All-Nighter 2.0

Candy's Column

The All-Nighter 2.0

"Don't you dare move me, woman."

I am no stranger to The All-Nighter.  I pulled countless ones in college to finish papers after exhausting all possible procrastination tactics, including organizing the dust bunnies in my closet according to size and amount of accumulated lint.  There was also the All-Nighter that did not involve academics but rather a copious amount of Jägermeister — which surely killed all those brain cells I paid to nurture at college.  Oh well.  Even if there had been no Jägermeister, reality shows would have eventually worn them down, anyway.

Now, however, Miss Skye has introduced me to a whole NEW kind of All-Nighter, one that may drive me back into the mind-erasing clutches of that nasty Jägermeister.  This All-Nighter is filled with screams that sound like “nein, nein, nein!”  At first I thought my genius child had become proficient in German.  But when I responded with my fluent German and exclaimed, “Bratwurst!” she just looked at me blankly — and continued screaming at the top of her little lungs.  Highly disappointing.  So then I surmised that she might be requesting to see the new movie, “Nine,” with Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson — but Mr. Candy informs me that Miss Skye is a Phillies fan and would NEVER betray her team by supporting the chick who helped Alex Rodriguez get his groove back in the World Series.  A valid point.

Then, last night, I finally figured it out — my daughter is announcing that she intends to keep me up for NINE HOURS.  “Nine, nine, nine!”  Because, you see, she is not pleased that I am trying to move her party from the bassinet to her crib.  As you can see, she has completely outgrown the bassinet… and that picture was taken weeks ago.  Given that she grows approximately two feet a day, she now looks like Shaq trying to squeeze into a Smart Car.  I tried to lure her into the crib like a saleswoman pushing a timeshare:  “If you just agree to spend one night in this luxurious and SPACIOUS crib, I’ll give you a free all-day pass to the boobie buffet!”  But of course she knows that buffet is always open, anyway — and she obviously loves the comfort and familiarity of the bassinet despite its size.  The crib, on the other hand…?

Nein, nein, nein!”

I slept for a whopping thirty minutes last night.  I kid you not.  There should be a tag on the baby that says, “DO NOT HANDLE AFTER ALL-NIGHTER,” because it took me about two hours just to change her diaper this morning.  I stared and stared some more, willing it to change itself, while Cookie Monster stared back at me with contempt as if to say, “Good lord, woman, put some concealer on those bags!”

Fingers crossed we have better luck tonight.  Because if she continues to refuse to sleep in that crib, I’m gonna need an extra shot in my morning latte.  A shot of Jägermeister, that is.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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