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You Might Be a Mother If…

Candy's Column

You Might Be a Mother If…

Since becoming a mama three months ago, I’ve found myself doing some rather peculiar things.  Things that would’ve made pre-baby Candy stop and say, “Huh?!”  Things that, I realized, only a mom would do.

So I’ve jotted down a few of them — that is, the ones my fried mommy brain can actually remember — to create this list titled, YOU MIGHT BE A (NEW) MOTHER IF…

10.  You refuse to flush the toilet in fear it will wake the napping baby.

9.  You’ve oinked to the point of losing your voice (upon discovering that your oinking makes the baby laugh).

8.  You tell the manicurist that she should not, under ANY circumstances, cut or file your right pinky nail because you use it to pick your child’s boogers.

7.  You no longer communicate directly with your husband, but rather, passive-aggressively through your baby:  “Your daddy forgot to take out the trash, didn’t he?  Oh yes, he did!” (cooed to the baby in a singsongy voice while said husband is sitting right next to you and rolling his eyes).

6.  You suddenly find farts funny and endearing.

5.  You say, “Aw, man, do we have to…?” when your husband asks you out on a date.

4.  You can pick ice cream sandwich crumbs off the floor with your toes.

3.   You’ve bought ponytail holders in bulk.

2.  You have no qualms eating a Zone Bar with baby poop on your hands.

1.  You regularly (and inexplicably) break into song.  In fact, you can make just about ANYTHING a song:  “We’re off to go to Starbucks, the most wonderful latte makers of all.  Because, because, because, because, becaaaaauuuuuse…. of all the wonderful lattes they make!”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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