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Conversation Skills: Officially Down the Crapper

Candy's Column

Conversation Skills: Officially Down the Crapper

ME:  How was your day?

MR. CANDY:  Good!  The client liked our proposal —

ME:  Skylar’s poop turned green today.

MR. CANDY:  Green?

ME:  Bright.

MR. CANDY:  Oh.  Well, ANYWAY, I may have to go to Brazil for some focus groups —

ME:  But then it went back to seedy yellow.

MR. CANDY:  … São Paulo, probably — er, excuse me?

ME:  The poop.  It’s yellow again.

MR. CANDY:  That’s great!  Just… great.

ME:  I’m sorry, you were saying…?

MR. CANDY:  Focus groups in São Paulo next month —

ME:  Apparently, it means she’s getting too much of the foremilk.

MR. CANDY:  …for just a couple days.  [PAUSE]  What?

ME:  The green poop.   Means I need to keep her on one boob longer so she gets the cheesecake-y hindmilk, too.

MR. CANDY:  [LONG PAUSE]  Cheesecake-y?

ME:  Yes.  Like cheesecake.

MR. CANDY:  I have no idea what you’re talking about.

ME:  That makes two of us.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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