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Candy's Column

Mother F.

The best part of our trip to the East Coast so far — besides my mom calling out my dad for claiming he watches the busty weather girls on the Spanish Channel because he “really thinks it helps him learn Spanish” — has been introducing Skylar to my family’s oldest generation.  Watching Grandma Failor, a sprightly 88 years old, hold my daughter for the first time was all kinds of awesome.  Talk about a new appreciation for the circle of life.

If Grandma looks surprised, well, it’s because she is:  I’m pretty sure she thought I would NEVER produce a child.  Probably because she once said to me, “You’re NEVER going to have a baby, are you?  [PAUSE]  Oh well.  At least you have your cats.”

SURPRISE!

I may look like my dad’s side of the family, but I definitely inherited my firecracker gene from my mom’s side.  As has Miss Skye, I suspect.  I hope.  Even at almost 90 years old, Grandma Failor takes care of her own home and walks with a bouncy strut that puts runway models to shame.  We call her Mother F. — much to her chagrin — because she used to sign all of her cards to her children, “Love, Mother F.”  One day her son-in-law asked, “You DO know what ‘Mother F.’ is slang for, don’t you?”

“Why, no, I don’t,” Grandma said, confused.

When my uncle filled her in, she was horrified — which made everyone else only erupt into laughter.

“Oh, you’re all bad!” she cried.  The laughter swelled.

I’m so grateful Miss Skye got to hang out with Mother F.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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