MR. CANDY: Wow. Colbie Smulders doesn’t even look pregnant!
ME: Um, she had her baby a couple months ago.
MR. CANDY: Oh. [PAUSE] Wow. She lost her weight fast.
ME: She does look good.
ANOTHER LONG PAUSE.
MR. CANDY: You think she’s wearing Spanx?
I SHOOT HIM A LOOK.
MR. CANDY: NO! … Really?
ME: [EVIL SMILE] You should probably also be aware that Téa Leoni had a boob job.
MR. CANDY: Now you’re just being cruel.