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Talk About a Fun Party Ice Breaker

Candy's Column

Talk About a Fun Party Ice Breaker

Nothing gets a party started like a good vaginal discharge story, so I’ll kick it off:  I was enjoying dinner last night at California Pizza Kitchen, where my Waldorf Chicken Salad unexpectedly came with a side of mucus plug.

No wonder I’m never invited to parties.

I went to the ladies’ room — because I’d only urinated two billion times in the past hour — and I was greeted with a handful of “OH DEAR GOD, I’VE GIVEN BIRTH TO GHOST SLIME!”

As luck would have it, Mr. Candy and I were dining with my cousin who is a labor and delivery nurse.  To her, this is scintillating dinner conversation.  When I returned to the table and announced we were the proud parents of a bouncing bundle of ghost slime, her face lit up:  “Your mucus plug came out!”

[Ed. note:  Mom, you should probably grab the smelling salts for Dad at this point.]

Oh!  Right!  The mucus plug!  I KNEW that.  *AHEM*

According to my cousin and the four-hundred-thousand totally credible pregnancy message forums I scoured last night, this could mean labor is imminent OR… not.  Predicting labor is a precise science like that.  Especially because the plug was totally clear. Like, um, snot.  (Deep breaths, Dad.  In… and out…)  I can tell you it DOES mean I got my ass in gear and (over)packed my hospital bag as soon as we got home, and that every sound I utter makes Mr. Candy jump ten feet in the air now.

“Are you okay?  Are you okay?!”

“Don’t worry, hon.  Just humming along to ‘Bust a Move!’  …Says she wanna dance cuz she likes the groove.  So come on, fatso, and just bust a move…”

I was concerned that 36 weeks was too early, that I should do everything in my power to cook Baby Girl a little while longer, but Cousin Michelle assures me it’s all good at this point:  “If things are moving along, it means she’s ready to come out.”

Or, as my mom put it, “She must be a nosy little thing!”

Seriously, at your next office party, just try it as an ice-breaker:  “So… seen any good mucus plugs lately?”

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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