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A Meltdown Update, or “A Baby Mama’s Heroic Tale of Triumphing Over Pregnancy Hormones”

Candy's Column

A Meltdown Update, or “A Baby Mama’s Heroic Tale of Triumphing Over Pregnancy Hormones”

Third Trimester Meltdown:  Vanquished.

Yes, I am delighted to report that, thanks to ironing tips from readers and my mom, I have overcome the horrific Wrinkled Crib Bedding Incident of ’09.  Because of all this nesting madness, I learned that placing a wet towel underneath the material goes a long way in smoothing out wrinkles.

Also, I finally learned where we keep our iron!

The nursery is shaping up nicely, if I do say so myself.   And I do.  We’re just waiting for bookends, a lamp base and a cleaning fairy to vacuum the carpet, and we’ll be ready to unveil the room to you, friends and family, and any random schmo we can grab off the street because WE ARE SO RELIEVED IT’S FREAKING FINISHED!

Well, if Marcy allows us into the room, that is.  ‘Cause I’m afraid she’s mistakenly claimed the new baby digs as her own:

"This crib bumper is a death trap! Do I have to teach you EVERYTHING, woman?"

“GET OUT OF THAT CRIB!!!” I yelled loudly enough for even Hugh Hefner to hear (without his aid) at the Mansion across town.  I didn’t want Marcy to get too cozy in there, not with visions of her inadvertently jumping on our sleeping baby and then possibly CLEANING THE BABY TO DEATH (that’s how Marcy rolls) swimming in my head.

But first I had to run downstairs and grab my camera, of course.  Because cute pictures trump baby safety!  Every good parent knows that.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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