This Just In: Chronic Sleep Deprivation Not Healthy for Teenagers! News at Eleven.

In today’s “duh” report, a study reveals that teenagers who don’t get enough sleep are more likely to be depressed.  Captain Obvious agrees.

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) study of adolescent health claims middle- and high-schoolers whose parents don’t require them to be in bed before midnight on school nights are 42% more likely to be depressed than teens whose parents require a 10 p.m. or earlier bedtime.  And teens who are allowed to stay up late are 30% more likely to have had suicidal thoughts in the past year.

That’s because they’re up listening to that newfangled rock ‘n’ roll music I’ve heard about.  It’s pure evil.  EVIL, I tell ya!

The new data come from analyses of NIH surveys from 1994 to 1996, but the lead researcher believes the disparities between teens with and without prescribed bedtimes are even greater today, given “greater distractions in their lives.”  He notes that in 1996, for instance, teens couldn’t stay up late texting friends and checking Facebook pages.

It’s true!  Back then, we just passed the time by sitting around and marveling about new inventions, like fire and the wheel.  No wonder we were in bed so early.  Can only light a wheel on fire so many times.

As a result of the findings, the lead researcher boldly proclaimed:  “I would guess that there are more kids getting less sleep.”

Now if THAT isn’t a statistically significant study, I don’t know what it.