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The Laughing Stork

There’s No Mess Like Home

Candy's Column

There’s No Mess Like Home

Dear Readers,

I am writing to you from the Baby Crap War Zone also known as my house.  I’m afraid Babies “R” Us has blown up in our living room, wiping out all traces of comfort, order and an actual home.  All that remains are boxes of diapers, car seat paraphernalia, Pack ‘n Plays, books, tubs, high chairs, towels and approximately one-billion-and-two pink onesies, along with the nursery glider sitting SMACK DAB IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM until the rest of the furniture (which is only two months late) finally arrives tomorrow.  At which time, I plan to stick out my pot-roast belly as far as it will possibly go — may extend to Malibu at this point — with the hope that the delivery men will be so eager to escape the sight, they will gladly carry the glider up to the baby’s room as well.  And if THAT doesn’t work, Mr. Candy will just have to slip them an Alexander Hamilton.  (That’s the kind of smooth high rollers we are.)

In the meantime, we have a fluffy soldier diligently guarding our loot:

Marcy oversees the Baby Crap Command and Control Center

Of course, once Sergeant Marcy realizes the loot comes with an actual squirming, screaming BABY, she may be quick to resign her post.

Yours in utter chaos,


Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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