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No Milkshakes for Yooouuu! New Pregnancy Weight Guidelines Issued…

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No Milkshakes for Yooouuu! New Pregnancy Weight Guidelines Issued…

Thinking of indulging in a late-night brownie, you naughty baby mamas?  Well, think again!  An Institute of Medicine (IOM) committee of doctors, nutrition experts, and public health researchers has issued “new” guidelines on how much weight to gain during pregnancy.  And, frankly, they are pretty much exactly what my doctor recommended — i.e., not much extra weight at all, really.

Here are the guidelines for pregnancy weight gain, based on a woman’s BMI (body mass index) before becoming pregnant with one baby:

* Underweight: Gain 28-40 pounds
* Normal weight: Gain 25-35 pounds
* Overweight: Gain 15-25 pounds
* Obese: Gain 11-20 pounds

And here are the guidelines for weight gain during pregnancy with twins, based on the mother’s pre-pregnancy BMI:

* Normal weight: Gain 37-54 pounds
* Overweight: Gain 31-50 pounds
* Obese: Gain 25-42 pounds
* Underweight: No weight gain guidelines are available because of insufficient data

Contradicting the old adage “eating for two,” committee experts say gaining too much weight during pregnancy may be risky for mama and the baby.

“The risk for the baby is being born too large, which can result in birth injury for the baby or may result in a cesarean section for the mother,” IOM committee chairwoman Kathleen Rasmussen says.  “The risks for the mother of gaining beyond the guidelines are risk for cesarean section or risk for excessive weight retention postpartum.”

Not to mention you won’t be able to — GASP — get back in those skinny jeans within a week!  *SIGH*  I am not advocating excessive overeating, which is obviously unhealthy.  However, I had hoped that pregnancy would provide a temporary escape from societal pressures about body weight.  Ha.  I am, no offense to myself, an IDIOT to have thought that.  Never before have I felt so much judgment, body-wise — not even in my high school gym locker room, where eyeballing other girls’ back fat was considered a sport in itself.   But at least back then we had the decency to make catty remarks behind their backs.  The problem with pregnancy is that people feel perfectly comfortable judging your body right in front of you.

I am surprisingly content with my weight gain thus far and am on-track to pack on the recommended amount, and yet everyone has to make a remark about my evolving figure ranging from, “You’re barely showing, you malnourished sicko” to “OMIGOD, LOOK AT HOW YOU’VE POPPED, YOU PORKER!”  (followed by assurances that I “will lose the weight quickly” — no pressure or anything!).

Look, people — I think I speak for many pregnant ladies when I say, a mere sneeze made me pee my pants yesterday.  If I want to indulge in an extra brownie once in a while, I AM MORE THAN ENTITLED TO DO SO.  And I do not want you to comment on how my resultant sausage ankles will “probably deflate” after I give birth.  Have some respect… and just silently judge my back fat.  Thank you.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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