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Attention Freud: Shia LaBeouf Wants to LaBoff His Mom

Celebrities

Attention Freud: Shia LaBeouf Wants to LaBoff His Mom

First Papa Joe bragged about his daughter’s bodacious Double-Ds.  Then Donald Trump gushed he would date his daughter Ivanka if she weren’t, you know, his daughter (pesky laws).  Now Shia LaBeouf is hopping on the trendy Incest Train by declaring his lust for his mom.

“Probably the sexiest woman I know is my mother,” says Shia (in a Playboy interview, no less).  “She’s an ethereal angel.  Nobody looks like that woman.  If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren’t my mother, as sick as that sounds.”

Well, it sounds more sick when he also reveals that he’s seen her naked quite a bit.   Yup, Shia’s “spiritual” mother Shayna apparently often walked around in the buff.

“The nudity was weird, especially when her friends came over.  You’ve got your little buds over, and Mom’s, like, playing naked connect the dots or whatever,” Shia undoubtedly smiles while recollecting.  “She’s in the middle of goddess-group time, where it’s literally a bunch of naked women tracing auras around one another’s bodies with incense and then sitting together and humming for prolonged periods of time.”

A bunch of naked women openly touching each other?  No wonder Shia’s house was as popular with the boys as a hooker on nickel night.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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