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Word of the Day: Mommy Stalker

Family & Parenting Humor

Word of the Day: Mommy Stalker

Mommy Stalker (mom’ee stôk’er) n.

1. A woman with children and no other employment, who nonetheless employs a housekeeper and full-time nannies and, therefore, has ample time to prey upon other mothers and harass them about going to the movies, having girls’ nights out, holding slumber parties and braiding each other’s hair, etc. — with no concept that other women actually spend time with their kids.

2. A mother in dire need of adult conversation who “casually” hangs out in the grocery store in hopes of meeting other mothers.  This kind of stalker can be immediately identified by the wild look of desperation in her eye and dried formula in her hair.  She may also be incoherently mumbling the “Barney” theme song over and over.

3. One who hunts MILFs.  (See also:  Ashton Kutcher; Jesus Luz)

Sentence usage:  “Danger!  Steer clear of the cereal aisle.  There’s a mommy stalker trying to lure women back to her house by offering them ‘free’ Cap’n Crunch coupons!”

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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