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Using Our Kids as Facebook Armor

Candy's Column

Using Our Kids as Facebook Armor

Facebook has enriched my life in countless ways, from allowing Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer to befriend me (I can only hope it leads to more), to having a quiz confirm I DO have a dirty mind, to providing a forum where I can reconnect with old friends and classmates who didn’t deign to say “hi” to me in high school, but apparently are now curious to see how the years have treated me and learn if I’ve welcomed an extra pound or fifty, or — fingers crossed — if my breasts have become best buds with my belly button yet.

Let’s face it:  we are ALL curious about how the years have treated old friends, classmates and significant others.  And if you’re not…?  Well, no offense, but you are a big ol’ stinking liar.

So when I see parents using their children instead of their own mugs on their Facebook profile photo, I think, “Hmmm, okay.

No, that’s not true.  I am a big ol’ stinking liar.  What I REALLY think is, “Hmmm… okay.  S/he must have gotten fat/bald/Herpes sores.”

Yes, I said Herpes sores.  I WARNED you I have a dirty mind.

Your kid is cuter than a bowl full of kittens at the end of a rainbow.  We understand that.  And if you just had the baby and are using your profile picture to announce the happy news, we understand that, too.  (All right, so I’m covering my ass when I inevitably do that in ten weeks.  Stop looking at me like that!  Do as I say, not as I do, people!)  But when the Statute of Facebook Baby Profile Picture Limitations runs out after, say, one month — yup, I’m just randomly making up the rules as I go along to suit my needs, much like Congress — it’s time to switch back to your smiling face.   Or a picture of you co-starring your family.  ANYTHING but a picture that makes it look like you’ve come down with a Curious Case of Benjamin Button.  Because we want to be friends with you, see you.

Frankly, the kids probably aren’t too thrilled to have their faces next to our names and status updates, anyway.  Not with the skeletons in my, er… I mean, OUR closets.

Don’t have a recent photo that does you justice?  My God, that’s what Photoshop is for, people!!!  Blur the hell out of it!!!  Take your picture from five miles away!!!  Paste your head on Jessica Biel’s body!!!  Make it a “creative” black-and-white shot of a patch of skin on your forehead!!!

See?  You have plenty of visual options to appropriately represent you on Facebook.  All you need is a little resourcefulness.  And a lot of exclamation points.


ADDENDUM:  A friend of mine, who happens to be an expectant daddy, has also been poking fun at friends hiding behind their children on Facebook.  Armed with a warped sense of humor, he has been using an array of disturbing baby profile pictures to drive his point home; so I Photoshopped one for him he said I could share with you:

Truly disturbing Facebook profile picture

Truly disturbing Facebook profile picture

Gotta love the fruits of procrastination.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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