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Op-Ed Contributor — Zahara Jolie-Pitt — How I’d Fix Our Broken Economy

Family & Parenting Humor

Op-Ed Contributor — Zahara Jolie-Pitt — How I’d Fix Our Broken Economy


In between jet-setting to glamorous foreign cities I can’t pronounce and hiding the twins in Daddy’s gym bag — just a fun game we play! — I’ve been able to catch enough important news shows like “The Daily Show” to glean the American economy is broken.  And it’s not likely that my mom is going to be able to fix it, despite all those crazy people camped outside our house who are convinced she can perform miracles like Mother Teresa and even wear t-shirts with our faces on them.

Seriously.  Don’t those Kardashians have anything better to do with their time?

I quickly grew tired of making puppets out of Popsicle sticks the other day (such a pedestrian activity); so to keep myself amply stimulated, I tore out a piece of construction paper, grabbed a crayon and jotted down a few ideas I had to keep our country from bleeding red, something Shiloh’s lips also did when I told her they would taste like cherry licorice.  Oops.

Here it is.  Zahara’s 2009 U.S. Economic Recovery Plan:

1)  Increase the value of the dollar by printing “100 dollars” on it instead;

2)  Create more jobs by adopting a small village of children, like my parents did.  This opened up a ton of positions for nannies, housekeepers, paparazzi and assistants to organize our fan mail.

3)  Stop the collapse of the housing market by holding it up with the stick Mommy says is up Jennifer Aniston’s butt;

4)  Replace the bozos on Wall Street with someone more qualified — such as me and my siblings.  Or the snails we play with in the backyard.  Either/or.

5)  Avoid the auto industry bailout by switching everyone to private jets, like we have!

Under the guidance of my plan, it will only be a matter of time ’til you, too, have enough money own a mansion at every port!  Until that time arrives, however, Shiloh and I will continue to banish color from our wardrobes in honor of these dark times.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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