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From the Labor & Delivery Trenches

Candy's Column

From the Labor & Delivery Trenches

Whenever I have a question about my pregnancy, I usually refer to the Most Trusted Source in the World — Google — where I’ve learned that babies are born through our ears and eating Count Chocula while pregnant really CAN turn your baby into a vampire.

After I’ve exhausted Dr. Google, I’m fortunate enough to be able to harass my cousin, Michelle, who is a Labor & Delivery nurse here in Los Angeles.  So I can always call Michelle when I need to know important things, like whether that curly hair I’ve sprouted on my chin is normal.  (Official answer:  Sadly, yes.)

I’ve also tapped my cuz for funny stories from the Labor & Delivery trenches.  A few goodies she shared with me during her work break this morning…

A recent conversation between Michelle and her 7-year-old daughter Olivia:

OLIVIA:  Madison thinks babies are born out of the belly.  But I told her they come from the vagina!

MICHELLE:  Actually, sweetie, they can come from the belly OR the vagina.

OLIVIA:  Huh?

MICHELLE:  When they come from the belly, it’s called a C-section.

A shocked pause, as Olivia digests this.

OLIVIA:  Mommy, when you said you were doing C-sections, I thought you were going out to the ocean!

(Ed. note:  I swear, the only way that story could be more cute, is if Olivia had been holding a baby panda at the time.)

And one from the L&D room…

Michelle’s nursing colleague examines a woman who’s gone into labor.

NURSE:  You’re three centimeters.  The baby is really low…

WOMAN:  I KNEW it would be low!  My husband isn’t very big.

True story.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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