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The 30-Pound Newborn

Candy's Column

The 30-Pound Newborn

“Here you go, ” the nurse smiles as she lays my baby girl in my waiting arms.  “She’s a big one — thirty pounds!”

Say WHAT?!

I wake up with a start.  Oh, just another crazy pregnancy dream.  Of course.  This one seemed so real, so vivid, that my vagina was actually weeping in fear and agony.  And who can blame it?  No matter what the American Pregnancy Association says, no amount of Kegel exercises is going to save my vagina after popping out a baby the size of an Emperor Penguin.

Not only did I apparently give birth to a giantess, but the baby already knew how to talk.  Yes, Emperor Penguin Baby repeated everything I said, which the nurse assured me was totally normal.   Yeah, okay, lady.  Again, the dream seemed so damn real that I am seriously reconsidering giving birth at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.  They clearly need to do a better job of vetting their imaginary nurses.

*SIGH*  I miss first-trimester sex dreams.  That’s when I learned they call David Beckham “Golden Balls” for a VERY good reason.  Nudge, nudge; wink, wink. And that my subconscious has a surprising sexual attraction to Alec Baldwin:  The Chubby Years.  But perhaps I’ve said too much.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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