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Taking a Lickin’


Taking a Lickin’

Rosario Dawson recently shared with the world her mother’s, um, sloppy wet approach to punishing her naughty kids:  she’d lick ’em.  Here I thought that was just Andy Dick’s way of greeting new acquaintances, but no!  Licking is apparently also an effective misbehavior deterrent.  Who knew?

Rosario told The New York Times:

“My mom licked me — that was her punishment. If I was a little uppity or if I didn’t listen or if she wanted to get my attention, she’d lick the side of my face or under my armpit. My mom’s a six-foot-tall amazon and she’d say, ‘You came out of my vagina and I own every part of you,’ and she’d lick me like I was her wee pup and she was a lioness. It was humiliating and really intense. Very primal. It’s not spanking, but it definitely works.”

Mmmmm… armpits.  Salty!

Mr. Candy and I have pretty much discussed everything baby — from nursery furniture to pre-schools to how Mr. Candy is going to change all of the poopy diapers (okay, that conversation may have taken place in my head).  That is, everything EXCEPT our approach to punishment.  Who wants to think about that?  Fingers crossed Candy Junior inherits my hubby’s angel gene so we don’t have to.  Yes, Mr. Candy was the kind of kid who actually gave HIMSELF time-outs in the corner, as my mother-in-law so enjoys telling me while polishing his Wharton School of Business diploma frame.

I know, I know… wimp.

I, on the other hand — well, I possess the more dominant little-terror-from-hell gene that my mom is convinced I’ll pass on to Candy Junior.

Thanks, Mom.

In fact, she is PRAYING that I do.  Mom is not exactly a religious woman, but she has definitely uttered a prayer or two at the Altar of Karma.  I was the kind of kid you hope you never encounter at the department store.  The kind of toddler who threw SCA-REEEAAAA-MMMMING tantrums on the floor because Mom had the gall to try to put my coat on.  A monster of a mother, she was!  And do you know how SHE eventually punished me?

She bit my cheek.

“And you shut right up!” Mom crows whenever she recounts the story.  Which is quite often, given I like to bring up the tragic story at every family function to explain why I can’t step in a Sears to this very day.  Well, that, and because they’ve closed every Sears within a 100-mile radius.

Of course, I can’t even remember the incident.  My older sister had to clue me in many years later.  But believe you me, I am TRAUMATIZED.

So thank goodness our child will be an angel who obeys everything we say and poops roses.  Just to have all bases covered, however… I’m definitely sharpening my cuspids in the meantime.  *CHOMP!*

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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