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Live-Blogging TLC’s “Toddlers & Tiaras”

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Live-Blogging TLC’s “Toddlers & Tiaras”


:02 — Mark my words:  Kaleigha, age 4, is trouble with a capital “uh-oh.”

:04 — Jadyn, age 6, says she wants to be in pageants “because you win a lot of stuff.”  Be careful, Jadyn — that same mantra landed my grandma in the poor house in Vegas.

:05 — Holly, age 7, says if she could wear pageant clothes every day, she would do it.  Think we have the next generation’s Bai Ling on our hands.

I feel pretty...

:06 — The prettiest princess of all.

:07 — Kaleigha checks herself out in the mirror.  She proclaims she looks “fabulous,” then screams she’s in charge and “that’s it!”  Think we have the next generation’s Mariah Carey on our hands.

:12 — Shaving a seven-year-old’s legs?  Is that really necessary?  I thought the rule-of-thumb was no shaving until you’re 10, and no Botox until you’re 12.  But that’s just the kind of overprotective mom I’ll be, I guess.

:15 — Holly’s father “has no idea” what this pageantry preparation costs.  Except his wife’s pride.

:18 — Jadyn’s mom says she doesn’t like all the “fakeness” of pageants.  Then proceeds to put fake eyelashes and hair extensions on her daughter.

:22 — Not sure what’s going on here, but the contestant on the right could use a little exfoliation.

:23 — Kaleigha’s mom spends “hours and hours” straightening Kaleigha’s hair.  To show just how much she enjoys it, Kaleigha screams at her parents, “Shut up!  Just shut up!  I said shut up.  Shut up!”  An angel sent from heaven, this one.

:25 — A mom teaches her daughter what really matters in life.

Having fun!

:25 — But, hey, as long as they’re all having fun!

:35 — The pageant ensues.  I’m not going to lie:  Kaleigha is totally rocking the house.

:36 — Holly coldly turns down Jadyn’s request to be her “pageant buddy.”  Suddenly, I’m having flashbacks to sixth-grade gym class.

:44 — Dear lord.  Little girls are dancing around in belly tops like Paris Hilton.  Only with better moves.

:44 — Yes, this mom is dancing around with an invisible lasso.  And yes, I need to befriend her.

:48 — Jadyn’s grandma made her dress.  Coincidentally, Jadyn’s grandma is also convinced Jadyn is going to win “best outfit of choice” and “best dress!”

:53 — They have a “most beautiful” category?!  That’s… healthy.

:54 — Kaleigha’s upset that she “only” got a rose.  Clearly, she’s never watched “The Bachelor.”

:55 — Jadyn does NOT win best dress.  And, oh yeah, grandma is PISSED!

:56 — Jadyn DOES win “most photogenic,” “best personality” and her category’s “princess” — however, her mom says she didn’t “do as well as she wanted her to do.”  That’s the spirit!

:57 — All the votes are finally in:  our little diva, Kaleigha, wins Miss Grand Supreme!

:59 — Kaleigha accepts the trophy with her usual demureness and humility.

Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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