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He Said, She Said: Advice Column for Celebrity Offspring

Family & Parenting Humor

He Said, She Said: Advice Column for Celebrity Offspring

He Said, She said

Welcome to He Said, She Said, a column in which The Laughing Stork’s resident life coaches field readers’ most pressing e-mails with their trademark sensitivity.

DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

I’m just going to spit it up, er… out: My mom is SO embarrassing.

Sure, she’s pretty, but she also stars in Razzie-nominated movies and says things that aren’t so smart. For example, she recently thought she was being all clever when she told a reporter to “be neutral — like Sweden!” When even my six-month-old sandbox buddies know she meant to say “Switzerland.” Or is it “Twizzlerland?”

Whatever. The point is, it’s not Sweden.

How can I get Mom to keep her mouth shut? She’s totally hurting my street cred at daycare. Also, if you happen to know if there is a place called Twizzlerland, could you let me know the address? I’m a big fan of their country’s cherry licorice.

HonorWarren@aol.com

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TO HONORWARREN:

DAVID: Tell her to try talking in a British accent. My mom thinks it makes you sound smarter.

SHILOH: Puh-lease. When you have to deal with a gazillion siblings, then talk to me. Till then, just be happy your mommy doesn’t keep saying to you, “What’s your name again?”

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

Our dad keeps telling us to call him different things. One day, it’s “Diddy.” The next, it’s “P. Daddy.” Other times it’s “Act like you’re Timbaland’s kids ’cause P. Daddy needs to get him a piece of that.”

We’re so confused! How do we keep his names straight?

Diddys-Twins@yahoo.com
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TO DIDDYS-TWINS:

DAVID: Your dad sounds like an attention whore. He and my biological daddy would get along well!

SHILOH: That’s terrible. Hang in there! My parents will adopt you soon.

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DEAR DAVID AND SHILOH:

My daddy’s really rich, but I’m afraid he has a dead cat on top of his head! It scares me so much, I have nightmares of it attacking me in my bed at home.

How do I tell my daddy his hair looks like roadkill?

BarronTrump@verizon.net
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TO BARRONTRUMP:

DAVID: I’m not the best person to ask about parental honesty. Heck, my mommy still won’t tell me why she me why she used to wear cone hats on her boobies.

SHILOH: You sleep at home? That’s weird. I thought everyone slept at a different hotel every night.

Because sharing is caring, as I tell my kids. (Except my wine. Never my wine.)
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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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