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The Awards That *Should* Have Been Handed Out at the 2012 Golden Globes

Pop Culture

The Awards That *Should* Have Been Handed Out at the 2012 Golden Globes

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Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were certainly a breath of fresh air (unlike, say, the breath of Gary Busey) at last night’s Golden Globes, but wouldn’t it be nice to really shake up the ceremony with some new and exciting awards?  My cat and I think so, which is why I present to you…

The Awards That *Should* Have Been Handed Out at the 2012 Golden Globes

MOST LIKELY TO CATCH A FLY:  Ryan Seacrest

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MOST BELIEVABLE TRANSFORMATION INTO KATHLEEN TURNER:  Catherine Zeta-Jones

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MOST LIKELY TO PERFORM MAGIC TRICKS DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS:  Bill Murray

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MOST EFFECTIVE POSTER BOYS FOR ANTI-BOTOX AND STEROID USE:  Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

BEST ATTEMPT TO MURDER WILL FERRELL AND KRISTEN WIGG WITH A SINGLE GLARE:  Tommy Lee Jones

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BEST JOKER IMPERSONATION:  Dennis Quaid

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CONE-BOOB NEWCOMER AWARD:  Jennifer Lawrence

MOST LIKELY TO PUBLICLY HUMP HIS TROPHY AT AN AFTER-PARTY:  Quentin Tarantino

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MOST LIKELY TO MAKE NEW MOMS WANT TO STAB THEIR HAND WITH A FORK AFTER SEEING WHAT HER HER BODY LOOKS LIKE ONE MONTH AFTER GIVING BIRTH:  Claire Danes

BREAK-OUT STAR OF THE NIGHT: Cleavage, cleavage and more cleavage.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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