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The Weird Thing About Babies

Candy's Column

The Weird Thing About Babies

A weird thing happens after you have babies.  They grow into little people.

This is the conundrum I’ve been grappling with lately.  Regular readers have probably noticed that I haven’t been writing as much about my life, or posting any pictures of our brood, lately and wondered if I’ve, like, left my family to run off to Cabo with Ryan Gosling or something.  (That was your first guess, right?)  But alas… I rejected Ryan’s persistent overtures because I was too busy trying to figure out how to write about my life — and my observations about family — without invading my children’s privacy.  It’s a tricky area that most parenting bloggers struggle with, and one that’s become even trickier for me since my kids are no longer babies — especially my three-going-on-13-year-old daughter.  When they’re tiny baby blobs, they all do pretty much the same stuff:  poop; cry; and sleep.  Which is why I call that time “The Poop Joke Era” of my writing career.  (An illustrious time, indeed.)  But now Skye and Drew are little people, with their own stories and adventures, and I don’t feel comfortable sharing those stories without their consent.  Even though I know Skye, having little understanding of what I’m talking about, would gladly agree to give up her Right to Privacy in exchange for a single bag of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks.

The good news is that I didn’t turn down a fling with Gosling in vain — I did figure out a sneaky way to write about my life without turning our kids into the next Honey Boo Boos!  I think.  I hope… because we don’t have any room for a pig in this place.

I’d like to introduce you to my cartoon family:

I know what you’re thinking and, yes, that is a rather, um, flattering take on my body.  But you know what?  If you’re going to have a cartoon version of yourself, you might as well give her the body you want, right?  A hot body I got with zero exercise and no all-rice-cake diet, no less.  It is AWESOME.

Woman vs. Family is going to become part of The Laughing Stork, complete with blog entries (and weekly video blogs!) from ALL of the characters, including the mom creatively named, uh, Candy, her management consultant husband, two small kids and the two fluffy cats, who are bitter about becoming second-class citizens since the kids arrived.  You know, a fictionalized account of our life.  So I’m not infringing on anyone’s privacy at all!  *Ahem*

Don’t worry; the content on this site is going to remain pretty much the same, with the same ol’ silly posts about celebrity families, news stories, parenting infographics and Top 10 lists, funny pictures of babies and weird baby shower cakes, etc., as well as the occasional personal column and photo.

Best of all, if Mr. Candy does something exasperating in “real life,” like leave his toenail clippings in the bathroom sink again, I can retaliate by having Cartoon Candy run off with Gosling!  Because let’s face it — that’s the only way that’s going to happen.  And she does have that rockin’ body.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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