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The Top 5 Awards They Forgot to Hand Out at the Oscars

Celebrities

The Top 5 Awards They Forgot to Hand Out at the Oscars

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1. Most Likely to Be Hiding a Slurpee in Her Hair…

Kelly Osbourne.

2. Most Likely to Be Asked to Host the Academy Awards in 2012…

James Franco’s Grandma. (Seriously. Bring her back.)

3. Most Likely to Have Slept Through the Entire Telecast…

James Franco.

4. Most Bold Advocate of Breast Liberation…

Jennifer Hudson. That’s right: Her breasts are running free in that dress. Run girls! Run like the wind!

5. Most Likely to Be Stashing Viagra in His Pocket…

Kirk Douglas, who managed to spend at least five minutes hitting on every woman on the stage. Impressive.

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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