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Why Women Have Babies

Candy's Column

Why Women Have Babies

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Candy white-knuckles the bathroom counter, breathing through her Braxton-Hicks contractions.

MR. CANDY:  OUCH!

He jumps back from the mirror, wincing in agony.

CANDY:  (BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT…)  What’s wrong?

MR. CANDY:  My eyebrow!

Candy closes her eyes.  It feels like somebody has wrapped a rubber band around her abdomen, pulled it back as far as it will go…

CANDY:  (WEAKLY)  What about it?

…And SNAPPED it.

MR. CANDY:  I just plucked an extra-thick hair.  And it hurt, man!

CANDY:  I’m having false contractions here.  And you’re complaining about a FREAKING EYEBROW HAIR?

MR. CANDY:  Did I mention it was extra-thick?

Random sidebar:  I always want to call them “Taylor Hicks” contractions. Weird, right?  Soul Patrol labor!

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Candy Kirby is the founder of The Laughing Stork and a professional fun-maker who will never stop chasing her lifelong dream: to find the Pomeranian or porn star after whom her parents must have named her. A humor columnist for Disney, Nickelodeon, Scary Mommy, Reductress and Redbook, she also used to be a staff writer for the soap opera, The Bold and the Beautiful, where she penned many scripts featuring prolonged heated stares and countless “Who’s the Daddy?” story lines. Candy lives in Los Angeles with her husband, two young kids and three rescue Persian cats, the latter of whom are the real brains behind this operation (so send all complaints to them).

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