Live-Blogging “The Real Housewives of New York”

:02 — Mario berates Jill about last week’s joke of a tennis match.  “Jill, Jill, Jill!” he scolds in an octave so high, I could swear Jill’s gay friend Brad is squeezing his balls.  Mario implores Jill to “trust” him to pick a tennis partner for her next time.

As if anyone would trust a guy with THAT hair.

:04 — Bethenny wants to amend Ramona’s “Cosmo Dating Rules” to include this pearl of wisdom:  “Think of my vagina as a vase; if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers.”  Oh honey, the bloom fell off that rose a long time ago.

:05 —  Lame request for coochie carnations aside, I’ve gotta hand it to Bethenny:  she does one hell of an impression of Kelly.

:06 — Omigod.  Kelly is dating Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast!”

:08 — Ramona is developing a skincare line, brags that she has been using skin cream for years — and knows that’s why she looks good for her “chronological age.”  Um, I guess that’s opposed to the age she tells people, which conveniently goes backward.

:09 — Ramona goes on to say she hasn’t been thrilled with any of the skin products out there, which is why she worked with a “fabulous” chemist to develop a new formula.  And yet it’s supposedly because of those very products that she “looks so good for her chronological age?”  Crazy Eyes needs to get her story straight.

:11 — Bethenny goes to an A&P in Greenwich to promote her line of SkinnyGirl goodies.  Free cupcakes and muffins!  Which… nobody at the store wants.  What the hell is wrong with these people?  I’m a total sample whore.  Free cupcakes?  Free cheese?  Free motor oil?  I’ll eat it!

:18 — The Countess thinks she has a lot to impart to readers in her new book about manners.  Says she really wants to reprimand people who talk too much… as she jabbers on and on and on….

:26 — Kelly raves that one of best things about NY is running with the taxis.  Yeah, I’m sure they just love that, too.  But I can’t deny it:  her legs are sick.  Too bad they’re about to get run over in 3…2…

:31 — Ever mindful of people suffering in this economy, Jill is thoughtfully “going moderate” for her birthday this year.  So she’s only treating herself to a $16,000 bag!  A real altruist, this one.

:34 — Countess goes to the publisher to discuss her book.  She (once again) take a moment to revel in her “Countess” title, says meeting the Count was “a dream.”

*HAPPY SIGH*  Her divorce announcement truly could not have come at a better time.

:35 — Traditional Home magazine comes to Jill’s apartment to shoot the new, seemingly Liberace-inspired interior design.  “It’s a real honor,” says Jill.  Right on cue, Ginger poops on the carpet.

:37 — Jill jokingly asks reporter if they flew to NY in a “PP” — which apparently means “personal plane.”  PP!  Ha!  … Get it?  Yeah, me neither.  However, Jill doubles over in laughter and thinks she’s hilarious:  “A little humor… that’s who Jill Zarin is.  I’m funny.”

:38 — Jill Zarin is also a cross between Joy Behar and Baby from “Dirty Dancing.”

:42 — Ramona tells Bethenny the only reason Jill is nice to her is because she’s “the underdog.”   “You’re struggling, you need help — and she likes that.”

“Whatchoo talkin’ about, Ramona?”

:48 — Bobby surprises Jill with a new Mercedes SUV.   Wow.  Jill is thrilled!

:49 — Turns out, the vehicle doesn’t work with the iPhone, only an iPod.  Jill hates it!

:51 — Simon surprises Alex for her birthday with a limo, flowers and jewelry…

:53 — The limo driver takes the wrong path and Simon doesn’t overreact AT ALL:  “Your surprise is fucking ruined!  Fuck, fuck, fuck!”  That surprise…?  Uh, they’re going home to have birthday cupcakes.  Simon continues:  “Your surprise.  RUINED!  Fuck!”

My sentiments exactly.